When Instincts Collide

Download our 3 page PDF on how each instincts behaves in relationship

Our instinctual drives are constantly seeking safety and, as we’ve written and taught about for many years, are often the real key to disarming our habitual defense strategies. Social types want belonging and shared participation, Self-Preservation types want stability and safety, and Sexual types want exclusive attunement and shared meaning. We’re sharing an exclusive download we hope will serve as a shorthand for understanding how instincts behave in relationship dynamics.

Each chart offers clues to help you spot the dominant instinct at play. Core focus tells you what that instinct is trying to build in the relationship when things are going well. We’ll also explore the triggers to flag the most common conflict starters at the instinct level (the moments when a system screams “unsafe”). From there, repair strategies give you the fastest way back to a copacetic relational baseline. We also offer you some things to avoid, partnership strategies, pitfalls, and a Growing Edge that shows how each instinct can overdo its gift and the single shift that matures it.

To avoid pathologizing, it’s worth reviewing: Social’s focus on optics and group life isn’t superficial; it’s how belonging is tracked. Self-Preserving’s attention to food, money, health, and routine isn’t “boring”; it’s how safety is built and maintained. Sexuals’ need for exclusivity, intensity, and a private language isn’t “drama”; it’s a survival-level bid for attunement. When you see the instinct, the behavior makes sense. And when the behavior makes sense, repair becomes faster and more complete

This handout is a teaser to our live workshop, When Instincts Collide: Decoding self-pres, social & sexual in relationships: pairings, common ruptures, practical repairs, on Saturday, December 13, at 11:00 a.m. CT (Zoom; recorded). In three hours, we’ll go beyond single instincts and into stackings (ex., so/sp with sx/so) because in relationships, it isn’t really the Enneagram type alone that drives relational dynamics; instead, it’s how your instincts are stacked and the tension and resonance that’s created from those pairings. In the workshop, we’ll lay it all out in a more complete way. Register by clicking the button below and download the PDF at the end of the post!

Download the 3-Page PDF Below

Instincts And Relationships (c)

3.17MB ∙ PDF file

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