In The Shadow of Twos: A Four's Reflections on Love and Boundaries
Exploring How the Enneagram Can Improve and Shape Relationships
All nine Enneagram types are a collection of boons and pitfalls. No one type is easier to understand, manage, or be in a relationship with (whether that be familial, platonic, or romantic), and no one type is definitively more challenging either. Yet there are types we may struggle with more than others, often because of conflicting motivations, ego strategies, and type-centric belief patterns. Recognizing and understanding these difficulties is paramount to improving relationships with people whose type structure is challenging to us. The purpose of the Enneagram isn’t solely to facilitate personal growth within ourselves, but also to enable us to develop deeper empathy for others. I find this especially important for cultivating meaningful and satisfying relationships with people close to us, which is why I’ll be diving into a personal essay this time, rather than a strictly informational article.
As a 4, the type I struggle with most is Type 2. That’s not to say every 4 struggles with 2s, or that all 4s have the same issues with 2s, or even that I find all 2s equally challenging. My difficulty with 2s began early in my life growing up with a Type 2 mother, and continues to this day, not just with her, but with my own Type 2 daughter. These relationships are important to me, and I’d be doing them and myself a horrible disservice not to use my knowledge of the Enneagram to foster understanding and empathy for an ego structure that runs so counter to my own.
While it’s true that both 2 and 4 are heart types and we share a line of connection with each other, these two types operate very differently. These differences, as I’ll outline, help paint a clearer picture of my personal difficulties.
2s want to be seen as kind, caring, joyful, loving, and nurturing. Being helpful to others is a strategy to get what they want (in its simplest form, care and attention), which is implemented selectively based on what, specifically, the 2 is trying to achieve. Like 8s, 2s have a transactional mindset that is often hidden from their own conscious view (an effect of their vice, pride), which makes them largely unaware of their true motivations in helping others. This lack of awareness for their pride results in a personality that is very pushy and interpersonally assertive; they will get what they want, but not by making their needs known or by asking directly. Doing this could make them look needy or selfish, a “bad person,” so instead they do for others with the expectation of reciprocity. Their pride inflates the importance they assign to their deeds, granting them a sense of indispensability or special purpose, which shields them against feeling unwanted and unloved by others (their core fear). And because they rely on giving (with subconscious strings attached), 2s function from a place of inner abundance. They believe they have more to give than they actually do, which is a reflection of their own neglected needs and how much they want to receive from other people. As a rejection type, 2s subconsciously reject their wants and needs in favor of giving to others, as this upholds their self-image and allows them to “cash-in” on their dues without feeling demanding. It gives them affirmation of their value when their needs are fulfilled by others without them having to ask, and because they didn’t ask (and their pride is still at work), they believe that whatever they receive was earned and owed to them.
By contrast, 4s want to be seen as intellectual, insightful, emotionally deep, mysterious, and beautiful. Suffering is their primary strategy, as 4s believe that meaningful insights can only arise from analyzing the deepest pain. 4s are inwardly driven and prefer the over-analysis of emotional states to moving past them. To that end, 4s often amplify their negative experiences to elongate painful sensations. Much of what the 4 puts themselves through isn’t shared with others, as this would “cheapen” the experience by making it too easily accessible (therefore common). Unlike 2s, 4s operate from a place of inner scarcity. Anything we have within us is considered “rare” and inherently in short supply, which reflects the belief 4s have that we are both uniquely gifted and uniquely flawed. We don’t feel that we have much to give, as our inner resources are constantly put to use reorganizing and reshaping our emotional landscapes, in the hope that we’ll uncover new insights (thus reinforcing our self-image) and be able to contribute something meaningful and significant to the world (the core desire). As a frustration type, however, nothing the 4 discovers is ever enough, necessitating a cycle of (mostly self-imposed and fabricated) suffering which never yields the desired results, moving the 4 farther away from actual meaningful accomplishments.
The most profound clashes between these personalities can be seen when comparing their inner orientations and the functions of their vices. The inner abundance of 2 is at odds with the inner scarcity of 4. Pride can blind 2s to their motivations and expectations, and envy can blind 4s to their gifts and all they have to offer.
My relationships with my mother and my daughter are very often strained by these differences. As a reactive type, I have a keen sense of unspoken motivations and emotions. I can often assess the true meaning behind my mother’s gestures or my daughter’s effusiveness, and their lack of transparency and self-awareness is irksome to me. Things that don’t feel like demands to them feel like impossible orders I can’t hope to fill. I often feel as though they’re draining me, taking everything I have, which triggers the wrath of 4’s envy. And when they’re met with my anger in response to what they assumed was an innocuous good deed or suggestion, they feel unloved by me (which only makes them push harder, because now their core fear is triggered).
Before I used the Enneagram to help improve my relationship with my mother, I was very often overwhelmed by her “demands,” which over time had become a hard resentment to break. I’d get phone calls weekly, sometimes multiple times a week, and dozens of texts. She always wanted to know how I was doing, updates on my kids, what events were planned for the week, when could she have a video call with us, etc. When we were together, it was a litany of ongoing suggestions for future meetups and events. To me, it felt like an onslaught. This was my life, these were my kids, and here she was trying to figure out how to take as much of it as she could. She wanted to be a part of everything, as if she hadn’t lived through this era of her own life already. Routinely, I’d ignore her calls or texts, or respond in short, callous bursts. Sometimes my mom would wait a day or so before reaching out again, but often it was later the same day. I’d find silenced texts or voicemails, inquiring if I felt better or making an unrelated comment that I knew was designed to prompt a response. That’s all she wanted – a response. I knew that, so I withheld it.
Learning my mother’s personality type has helped me understand her behavior, as well as why I respond to it the way I do. In doing so, I’ve been able to think about how we could change the dynamic that left my mother feeling neglected and me feeling invaded. Like all image types, 2s will adjust their behavior to achieve desired results within their relationships, but only if they know what has to change to give them more of what they want. My withholding and angry outbursts weren’t giving my mom anything she could use, and if her pride (and lack of Enneagram knowledge) continued to keep her in the dark, it would be my responsibility to initiate changes.
I began with firmer, more explicit boundaries, which I detailed in an email. I knew it must have made an impact, because I didn’t hear from my mother for over a week. Eventually, my dad told me she was distressed by what I’d written, which didn’t surprise me. Still, I held my ground. When my mom reached out to me again, she was a bit subdued and less expectant. It’s been close to two years since I sent that email, and while my mom has needed some reminders, she’s made a lot of progress in shifting her behavior. 2s are designed to push boundaries, and knowing this has softened my anger when my mom “relapses.” For my part, I’ve come up with ways to give my mom special moments that fill her love-need. She loves getting pedicures, so we make a joint appointment every summer to get pampered. I invite her to come over for “art days” with my kids, so they can make things together. Last year, I bought her birthstone jewelry with my daughters’ stones that I knew she’d melt over. From time to time, I try to surprise her with video calls (she loves surprises). There are times it still feels like pulling teeth to give her what she wants, but I understand better now that this has more to do with me than with her. My sense of scarcity and stubbornness in hanging onto old, negative emotional states is to blame for these hang-ups. It’s an ongoing work in progress.
My relationship with my daughter is a little trickier. She’s still very young (four years old), but it’s been clear for some time now that she’s a little 2. Her ego is unfiltered, mostly unmarred by the social feedback that will shape her self-image as she grows into herself. At this age, it’s easier to see her love-need and perpetual demand for affirmation, as her ego hasn’t yet curated the social subtleties that older, more developed 2s learn to use. She has no concept of selfishness, so the pride of her ego hasn’t started shielding her motivations and expectations from her yet. What it does shield her from, even at this age, is any acknowledgement that her actions may be the cause of her distress. For my daughter, not getting her way means she hasn’t made the demand loudly or often enough. In many ways, her young 2 ego has a raw, “unhealthy,” or even slightly narcissistic-leaning presentation. This makes sense, because all very young children are self-centered by nature; the cognitive components that make empathy and awareness of others possible don’t begin functioning on their own in a meaningful capacity until around six or seven years old, and even then, it is a budding skill that must be nurtured. I expect that, over time, my daughter will gradually shift her behavior to align with her self-image and recognition of others’ perceptions. I’ve already seen evidence of these subtle shifts as she attends preschool and interacts more with her peers. Her teachers tell me she’s “sweet and charming,” but also “needy, demanding, and challenging.” Her emotional intelligence is advanced, as she’s highly attuned to others and notices differences in vocal inflections, facial expressions, and body language far more readily even than much older children. Her own emotional displays are effusive and histrionic and can change rapidly if she is or is not getting what she wants. She also tries to make “deals” with me – evidence of a transactional mindset.
The challenges I have with my daughter are both similar and different to the ones I have with my mother. My daughter is far more openly relentless with her wants, as she lacks the filter my mom has. Her attempts to use emotional manipulation are also more obvious and frequent. Recently she discovered that if she complains of a bellyache, Daddy will do special things for her, like letting her sit on his lap for meals or laying with her longer at bedtime. Sometimes the bellyaches are legitimate, but it’s become more common for her to claim she has one when it’s clear she doesn’t. Most of the time, she’ll go to this ruse when enough of her demands have been refused, or she’s in trouble for not doing something we’ve asked her to do. To her, this is an effective way to reconnect and be assured of our love for her, because for 2s, affirmation (whether spoken or shown through affection, gifts, service, or special time) is necessary to soothe their core fear. They need to be shown how special and important they are, and my daughter’s overt bids for attention are one of her ego’s strongest defensive mechanisms. Even adult 2s can subconsciously employ somatic illness as a means of garnering the attention and care of others.
I can’t be angry with my daughter for how she behaves. She’s a child, and utterly unaware of what she’s doing. My inner scarcity is constantly triggered by her neediness, and I’m often at war with myself to keep my envy’s rage at bay. It’s harder to cope with my daughter than with my mother, because while other adults may be “fair game” for the peer-to-peer clashes of personality types, children are not. If I lose control, I could cause irrevocable harm to my daughter. We’re not on the same playing field. My triggered ego doesn’t care about that, but I do. My 1-fix amplifies the self-judgment I incur every time I find self-restraint difficult. I “should” be able to manage my reactions. I “should” feel empathy and compassion for her more easily than I do. I “should” be a better mother who doesn’t struggle so much to make it through a day with her kids!
What started helping me improve my relationship with my daughter, when good intentions alone failed to make a real difference, was a seemingly trivial pop culture typing.
I was preparing for my daughter’s birthday party and asked her what kind of theme she wanted to guide the decor. Without a moment’s thought, she shouted, “Ariel! Mermaids!” I wasn’t surprised. She’d been obsessed with Disney’s The Little Mermaid for quite some time. Later that day, as she rewatched the movie for the hundredth time, I thought about how my mom used to say it was also my favorite movie as a kid. It wasn’t, but my mom had always injected a little of herself (sometimes more than a little) into my preferences. It was really her favorite kid’s movie, and I could easily recall several occasions where she’d mentioned her affinity with Ariel and how much she related to the character, especially when she’d been a teenager herself. My mom described herself as adventurous, rebellious, insatiable, and in love with life – all things I could easily see in Ariel and in my daughter. That sparked a curious thought: Were all of them 2s?
I’d always seen Ariel typed as a 7 by popular Enneagram accounts online and had never cared enough to consider if that assumption was accurate. But now I was intrigued, excited, as if this could offer a different way to look at my daughter’s personality. I sat with her to watch the movie with new focus, and by the end, I was sure of my assessment. Ariel was actually a 2!
Ariel is strong-willed, effusive, pushy, and driven by a desire for MORE. She wants freedom. She’s independent. And the thing she’s willing to give up her voice for is LOVE. The lyrics of “Part of Your World” drove the point home: “I want to be where the people are,” the main refrain, the thing driving her, the thing she wants, is people who will affirm her. She doesn’t think people on the surface “reprimand their daughters,” and she imagines being able to do what she wants without restraint. She’s longing for freedom and envisions finding it with people. “Watch and you’ll see, someday I’ll be part of your world,” could be a Type 2 anthem, demonstrating their pride and determination in becoming special, indispensable people in the lives of others.
Ichazo called Type 2 “The Independent,” because of how driven they are to get their way. They want the freedom to make their own choices and do as they please, but feel subconsciously restrained by their self-image as a “good person” and core fear of being unloved, unwanted, and unneeded by others. Of all the types, 2s need people the most. The push-pull of their independent spirit, love-need, and unselfish self-image makes for a uniquely assertive personality with a relationship dynamic that is dependent on the love and attention of others, despite their own superior willpower and ability to do for themselves. As a rejection type, 2s shirk their own needs in order to give to others, so that others can fulfill their needs instead. This is the complicated dance of a cunning, willful heart type that is perfectly capable of providing for themselves, but whose ego requires the affirmation of others to feel secure.
Ariel dreams of seeing the world, but she’s not content only daydreaming and living it out in her head. She goes to the surface often and collects physical objects to make her feel closer to her goal, a manifestation of her attachment to her desires. In contrast, 7s relish the planning stages of their visions and prefer this mental exercise to actual action, because as a frustration type, they know real life will disappoint them. When Ariel decides she wants Eric, she’s committed to getting him and gives up everything to “earn” him. She’s sweet, smiley, and giggly when she’s getting what she wants and then pouting or crying when she’s not. The emotional manipulation of 2 is clearly present, and it motivates side characters to try harder to help her get what she wants. Ariel never directly asks for this help, never makes demands, not even with body language (as would be the case for a true core 7). We’re meant to see her as a light-hearted, kind, lovable girl who deserves to be happy and get her way – and that is the self-image of 2 at work.
Seeing my daughter in Ariel, silly as it sounds, did change some things about my perspective. I was able to reframe her more challenging behaviors and see them more clearly for what they were – her ego’s attempts to secure more freedom, more joy, more love. Sometimes when I’m facing down a tantrum, it’s helpful to invoke images of a girl who just wants more from her life. It’s really not that different from how I often feel, also wanting more, but in a different sense. 2s and 4s both want to feel significant, as if they’ve made an impact. We both long for more, even if what “more” means is different to each of us. My daughter’s ego strategies are very different from mine, but they’re not insurmountable.
Understanding why she does what she does, finding ways to shift my perspective, and seeking our commonalities has allowed greater access to empathy and the ability to make positive changes to our relationship and my parenting. Maybe making little “deals” with her and letting her have her way sometimes is what she needs. Maybe her bids for extra hugs, just one more treat, five more minutes of TV, are necessary gifts that soothe her ego and affirm she is loved. Maybe I can be firm and flexible, and let her “win” occasionally. What works today may not work tomorrow (as any parent can tell you), but I have the tools I need to make adjustments as I go. Knowing the Enneagram has given me an intimate understanding of my most challenging relationships, and that’s the most indispensable tool of all.
Guest columnist Maeve Stoltz (SP/SX 417) is a neurodivergent writing mentor and Enneagram coach, and a Level 2 Certified Teacher with Empathy Architects.
I know two female 2s who also love The Little Mermaid. It's definitely a thing!
This makes me reconsider my daughters type She thinks she is a Four but as a child her favorite movie was the little meremaid